Prevent Stress From Becoming Distress

by Kathy Collard Miller

For many years my attitude about stress was, "One of these days I'll get rid of all my stress."  Then I realized that the only people who have no stress are six feet under!

Since then my goal has been to prevent stress from becoming distress.

Let's see how we can prevent distress in three main stress-producing areas.

Perfectionism

Someone has said, "a perfectionist is a person who takes great pains and passes them on to others."  I should know.  I'm a perfectionist.  Unfortunately, many people haven't identified their perfectionist tendencies.  Therefore, as I speak across the United States, I offer a perfectionist quiz.  

In the following ten statements, check any you find true in your life:
_______1.  If I can't do a thing exactly right, I won't do it at all.
_______2.  I often start things I don't finish.
_______3.  It's hard for me to relax even after my work is done.
_______4.  I am often amazed at the incompetence of others.
_______5.  I can't stand it when things are out of place.
_______6.  I find unpredictability vexing, if not intolerable.
_______7.  I have a burning need to set things right.
_______8.  I worry a lot about why I haven't done better.
_______9.  Any kind of personal failure is the worst thing I can think of.
_______10.  It seems to me that standards are slipping everywhere.

Most people start rejoicing if they don't score a ten but Sandra Simpson LeSourd who developed this quiz in her book, The Compulsive Woman, says that a score of 3 or more indicates we have perfectionist tendencies.

I've found a primary solution for perfectionist thinking is to recognize the difference between perfection and excellence.  Seeking perfection is frustrating because we rarely do anything perfect.  But by seeking excellence I can give myself credit for what I do right, rather than constantly focusing on what I do wrong.  Striving for excellence rather than perfection takes away the need to compare and belittle myself.
  
Along with seeking excellence, I've found another solution in "The One Percent Principle."  This principle gives me permission to seek one percent improvement rather than focusing on an unrealistic goal of 75 or 90 percent improvement.  When I focus on the high number, I'll usually fail, and give up trying.  But when I reach for a one percent goal, I'll make it and then be encouraged to keep improving.  

The one percent may seem like an insignificant step, but by adding them up, they become a significant difference in my life.  As a result, distress will be alleviated in the perfectionist areas of my life.

Goal Setting

Every one of us should set goals but if we don't recognize the difference between goals and desires, we may experience an unhealthy dose of distress.  Goals are ideals we're striving toward that we can indeed have control over and meet.  Desires are those ideals we don't have control over.

For instance, as a freelance writer, I may have a "goal" of becoming a best selling author, but I can't make that happen.  I can desire to have a best selling book and do everything in my power to research what could sell well, write the best book I can, and market it through radio and TV programs, but I can't control whether it will actually sell well enough to be a best seller.  If I remember that my desire is a best seller and then make my goals be the research, writing and marketing to the best of my ability, I'll have reached a worthy goal and won't experience undue distress.

Most parents have a goal of raising emotionally healthy children, but that's not a goal--it's a desire.  I can set goals like spending quality and quantity time with my children, teaching them values and holding them accountable for disobedience.  If I meet those goals, there's a good chance they'll grow up to be emotionally healthy, but no guarantee.  By focusing on what I actually have control over, I'll diminish distress in my life.

Time Pressures

I have a hard time saying no!  Since childhood, I didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings and wanted everyone's approval.  As a result, I was usually distressed out because I was trying to please everyone and didn't have enough time to be everything to everyone.

Since then I've learned a phrase that set me free:  "a need is not necessarily a call."  Just because I hear of a need doesn't mean I'm the one who is called to respond.  I'd begun to put that idea into practice when I heard of a need: the reorganization of a volunteer group whose leadership had all resigned.  I went to the meeting but emotionally had to sit on my hands, for fear I'd raise them to volunteer for all sorts of things.  But I didn't think this was where my strengths would best be used so I kept telling myself, "a need isn't a call."

Evidently everyone else had heard of that same idea because no one volunteered for anything!  Two weeks later, I heard of an opportunity that was exactly right for my talents and I became involved.  I was so glad I hadn't volunteered at the previous meeting because I would have been distressed trying to fulfill both.  
Later I heard that a group of volunteers had stepped forward to carry on the work of the first group, even though they hadn't been at the reorganization meeting.
What area are you feeling distressed about?  Your perfectionism, goals or time pressures?  Are there different choices you could make that would diminish your distress to just normal stress?  What one percent step will you make today to help that happen?

Read Only Copyright, 2002. Used by Permission. Kathy Collard Miller is a professional speaker and author of 45 books including Why Do I Put So Much Pressure On Myself?  She addresses audiences on dealing with anger and stress, and motivates them to choose joy in the midst of the disappointments of life.  Contact: www.LarryAndKathy.com

Article courtesy of Bob ‘Idea Man’ Hooey & Ideas At Work! Visit our website: http://www.ideaman.net/ for more downloadable Business Enhancement Success Thinking series of articles by some of North America’s top speakers and experts. If you’ve enjoyed this article, please let the author know, and tell them you read it on http://www.ideaman.net/ Bookmark this site as we add new articles as they are received.